Hello there.. My name is Fredrick. I hear tell there are many kind little creatures living in Nowhere, and that it is a magical place to play and meet new friends.. You see I have this map in my pocket and at the very top was ~ This way to Nowhere~
A little birdie told me a BIG bear and several mice reside here, along with a hedgehog and a dear little girl.
Let's see.. Their names are on this map... Mozes, Miss Moussie, Tea Rat, Rattus, Gretta, Pippit, Bebe and Hazel.
Maybe if I take a walk down this path I will find a guy named, ah Tea Rat? Is that it?
Fredrick.... The Chicken Inspector
37 comments:
TEA RAT: Ahem.....excuse me sir, Tea Rat here.....right....well, I am the mayor of Nowhere and....
RATTUS: MAYOR SCHMAYER! Don't listen to him sir. We have no mayor here. Everyone is free to come and go as they please and...
TEA RAT: AND...there are some requirements:
1. You must love tea.
2. You must respect creatures both great and small.
3. You MUST LAUGH and have fun.
4. You must bow down and worship me....tea heeeee......
RATTUS: See what we mean? Nowhere is a place to have fun.
WELCOME SIR FREDERICK!!!!!!!!!!!
So nice to meet you Tea Rat and Rattus..
hmmmm.. I have a hard time with rules, BUT I will make an exception because I can use all the friends I can find.
Tea? What is this tea you speak of.
ok... I will respect ALL creatures, does this include chickens? (yum)
Bow down you say? Oh ok... I can do that.
So nice to meet both of you.
TEA RAT: PSSSSSSSSSSSSST! Sir Frederick, hey bud, come 'ere.......
WELCOME TO NOWHERE! teeeeeeeeeee
TEA RAT: Say Rattus, now that we 'ave been formerly introduced to Frederick, may I ask, if it's not too impertinent, what precisely a "Chicken Inspector" does.
RATTUS: Ah! Well "Chicken", you see, comes from the Latin, Gallus gallus, and refers to any of a wide variety of common fowl or poultry that have long been domesticated for the purposes of the consumption of their eggs and meat and the use of their feathers in any number of applications (the filling of pillows being but one of countless examples), hence the Latin, Gallus, gallus domesticus. Indeed their domestication for these purposes have been so widespread that Gallus gallus domesticus outnumbers any other species of bird in the world. Now, recent genetic research has traced back Gallus gallus domesticus to the Indian subcontinent from which it is thought to have spread to the Persian kingdom of Lydia in western Asia Minor and from thence to Greece during the golden age of Pericles and Athenian democracy, which as you know....
TEA RAT: Snore...wheeze... snore...wheeze...snore... wheeze....snore...wheeze...
RATTUS: TEA RAT!
TEA RAT: Snore..urrr...Wha, wha, what is it? What?
RATTUS: You fell asleep while I was explaining the definition of "chicken inspector."
TEA RAT: Oh, I know what a chicken inspector does, he examines them closely to insure they're healthy for consumption.
RATTUS: Then why did you ask me to explain?
TEA RAT: Oh, I couldn't get to sleep.
Haaa, haaa, haaaaaaa!!!!
Dear Rattus,
So nice to meet you..
Let me put you straight on what a true Chicken Inspector does.
Size, this matters
color, I am partial to red
Plumpness, is that a word?
Age
If all these requirements are found, it makes a lovely chicken soup for those who are not faint at heart.
Yours truly,
Fredrick the Chicken Inspector
TEA RAT: There you have it. I'm all for a good, plump, RED chicken to be ready for my table, so Detective Inspector (DI), go to work! There are some chickens on the outskirts of Nowhere, over at Witsend where Rattus and I still reside. Do inspect them straight away and let us know when they will be ready for a nice chicken stew! I have my apron on, ready to go!
Please tell me, where is this Witsend you speak of? I will start down the path, maybe there is a sign?
Inspection may take awhile, you see, I am a type A Detective Inspector(DI).
TEA RAT: Ah....DI Frederick, go about 10 KM west of the Castle of Butter, turn left at the post office, and we are just on the back end of the thicket. Do come through the gate even though there is a sign that says, BEWARE OF RAT! teeheeee
I await your arrival and you are even invited for DINNER once we make our selection!
Dear Frederick Fox, Chicken Inspector, Esq.
I am very happy to meet your acquaintance. As I was reading your explanation of your manifold responsibilities and skill sets, it was immediately impressed upon my mind that chicken inspecting is clearly not a vocation that can be accomplished by just any mere mortal. I have seen many attempt to do just that very thing, but turned out to be mere pretentious jackanapes, and that is the kindest language about them that my modesty will allow.
So my first duty here is to praise both you and your profession (though I am certain that there is many a chicken as would bandy words with me on that score.)
My second duty is to implore you to pick out a handsome and (as best as your skills may enable) tasty bird, for an upcoming party, in the successful preparation of which my dear friend and colleague Tea Rat has cast himself headlong, and to which you are of course formerly invited to attend.
Welcome again, Sir, to Nowhere. We look forward to your presence at our upcoming little shindig. Until then, we remain
Yours truly,
Rattus Scribus, and
Tea Rat
TEA RAT: HERE HERE OLD MAN! I have cast myself headlong straight into the cabbage patch, having hit mi head on a rock! But I am fit and ready to carve away!
RIGHT....as soon as you give us your grade AA approval sir, I shall wring the neck of your choice chicken, Rattus will defeather it, clean up the mess, gather the wood for the stove, gut it and then I shall prepare it with the finest herbs. BYOB: bring your own bib, 'cause we are gonna CHOW DOWN!!!!
Dear Tea Rat and Rattus,
My job here is complete.. Red Chicken has been acquired.. Please come and retrieve him..
Yours truly,
Sir Federick
Anita and Ruben,
Yes you may, please go for it!
I can't wait.
Hey wait a dad gum minute. Who said anything about wringing necks, and guttage, and defeathering, and such like.
Can't we just order out, and make mine extra crispy?
Rattus
TEA RAT: Now, now son....I paid the DCI (Detective Chicken Inspector) handsomely for coming way out to our place at Witsend; you should see this thing he just passed on as Grade AA! It is SO PLUMP and luscious. You have to start defeathering, please; I'M WAITING! teeeheeee
Thanks, Penny!
TEA RAT: For Peter Rabbit's sake son....get over the dastardly fear of plucking the chicken! I need to get the stew started!
RATTUS: THEN YOU PLUCK AND DE-GUT THE THE THING!
TEA RAT: But you are forgetting son, YOU have the know-how and I got the name and.....
RATTUS: Oh, you, mister, you've got the "You've got the know-how and I got the name blues!"
Tea Rat: I think we just got a new pet.
Listen, I somehow thought that when Frederick inspected a chicken and received his stamp of approval, it went...well, sort of to some place that, you know, did all the prep work. And then we just pop over the Witzend village co-op and buy the chicken all nice and ready for the oven, or the fry pan. What is this the Dark Ages? We got to draw and quarter the poor bugger like he was on trial before the Spanish Inquisition? I tell you I won't do it. You let me know when that chicken is dressed by the butcher, and I don't mean in a tuxedo.
Tea Rat: Well son, it looks like liverwurst tonight. I'm not plucking it, de-gutting it....I have the NAME, remember?
Rattus: You only know the blues, don't you? Liverwurst actually sounds quite nice with a nice thin slices of cheese, and the tomatoes, nice and perkey...oh I love that...
Liverwurst sounds fantestic!
Well my friends, if you are not going to prepare this chicken, stand up wind.. (or is it down wind) I am certainly not going to take on THAT task.. I am a Chicken Inspector, not a plucker orrrrrr you know.
Then there is the matter of my fee.
For my services I expect 200.00.
That of course includes your discount.
yours truly
Sir Fredrick
Chicken Inspector
TEA RAT: See Rattus? This could have been the finest meal to date. But now, we have a PET chicken and I forked over 200$; I have to say though, DCI Frederick has given BIG RED a clean bill of health! I am putting a harness on him and taking him for a walk.
Rattus: WhAT ABOUT MY LIVERWURST SANDWICH?
RATTUS: Holy crud! You mean you paid $200 to have Frederick inspect a chicken and now you're going to make him a pet? Next time I'm going to the butcher, which is, by the way, where all sane persons go to buy a chicken fully prepared for cooking. You do, please, realize that DCI Frederick inspects all chickens before they go to the butcher, and one need not pay $200 for a personalized inspection. Why, what's next? $1,000 for a turkey?
Tea Rat: Now, now Rattus - you are addressing the CHEF of the household, old thing! Do NOT bite the hand that feeds you!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Next on the menu is Torfurky, OK? Only 2.99 at Whole Foods. teehee
Tofooie. Sounds terrible. What does it come with? Mashed yeast and alfalfa sprouts?
TEA RAT: Oh, you are impossible. Make yourself a bologne and mayonnaise sandwich and call it a night! I am taking BIG RED out on a walk!
This is Nowhere at its best...thank you dear friends..And a very warm welcome to you friend Frederick !!
Happy day to you all...:))
DUTCHESS! Oh, I think you better warn the Divine Miss M. about this new occupant of Nowhere! He is kind, but a bit intimidating for a little mouse! She need not fear him, but what do you think she will do when she meets him?????
WELCOME BACK DEAREST DUTCHESS!
Miss Moussie has a friend..a very foxy chicken lady...so,better watch out Frederick..:))
O..its Sir Frederick...then you simply MUST meet Sir Horatio hog..!
THE MUSIC! IT IS WONDERFUL and Dear Miss M., HOW EVER did you photograph BIG RED AND DCI FREDERICK TOGETHER! (The header is just perfect!)
RATTUS: Welcome back to Miss Moussie and friends. I love the Fantastic Mr. Fox music. We should use it for a party.
TEA RAT: Party? Did you say party? Wooo...hoooo! I'll cook chicken for everyone!
RATTUS: Cheezus! Not again!
To all the chickens in Nowhere...RUN..
latest news..the Big Red and Miss Moussie's chicken friend happen to be one and the same...Miss Moussie is now sending Mozes over to come and colect Red Sonja..because that;s her real name..and she is armed and dangerous..!
WOOOOOOO RED SONJA? OH dear, Big Red better put on his armour! OK, Tea Rat is up for some ACTION!!!!!!!
teeheheheheheheeh Penny is gonna love this!
OK RED SONJA, COME ON IN!
WAIT, BIG RED IS RED SONJA? Holy cow!
OH MY WORD! A RED SONJA? What in the sam hill is that! So nice to meet you Dutchess and Miss Moussie.. I am eager to meet all YOUR friends.. Would you happen to have anyone up there on the hill that could be, well, you know the apple of my eye?
Yours truly,
Sir Frederick
p.s.
Welcome home Dutchess! Bebe and I have missed you. This HEADER IS GREAT!
Penny
TEA RAT: Right...lot's happening here, we are all in a twist! Especially my colleague and cottage mate, RATTUS. He is still ranting about my culinary sensibilities and my taste in pets. I am curious about this RED SONJA!!!!!
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