Tea Rat here writing from Kenya, as I join Bebe on her magnificent safari. I am currently writing you from atop Nelly, my elephant, who I acquired at a handsome price from the safari center. Isn't she splendid? What do you think old thing, do you think I could keep her? I will clean up after her, I promise....
The sights are unimaginable old chap. Nothing compares to it in our dear old England, or even in our beloved Nowhere. As you can see from my photos, it is quite the dust bowl here, but there are areas that are so lush, fit for a tea party amongst the LIONS AND TIGERS AND BIRDS.....
I highly recommend when you get here to .....oh....OH...OH!!
WHOAH NELLY!
Nelly my elephant has spotted a charging rhinoceros. This calls for ACTION! TEA RAT says,
"CHARGE BACK!"
This is a rush of excitement old man...nothing like it. You really ought to join us.
Yours truly,
Tea Rat
17 comments:
My dear Tea Rat,
I hope you understand my dispensing with the usual letter writing formalities, as I must get right to the issue of you buying an elephant and contemplating bringing her to Witsend Cottage in Nowhere.
Let me explain a few facts about the African Bull Elephant.
This magnificent creature is of the family Elephantidae: Elephas and Loxodonta and is widely known as the largest land animal in the whole wide world.
The African elephant is similar in many respects to the Asian elephant except that the former has a grayer hide, has far larger ears, and grows larger and heavier than its Asian cousin.
The African elephant newborn calf typically weighs 230 pounds AT BIRTH!
They can grow to well over TEN FEET HIGH! And weigh TEN TONS or more!
Indeed the largest elephant ever recorded in modern times was 13 FEET TALL, and weighed 24,000 pounds!
But you know all this, of course, because I am sure you researched all the pros and cons of buying a pet elephant to bring back with you to live at our Witsend Cottage in Nowhere.
So it is probably redundant for me to point out that a typical adult elephant will need to drink up to 200 liters of water PER DAY and eat 300 to 400 POUNDS OF FOOD!
I am sure that your magnificent brain has already done the calculations. But just so we're clear. Since what goes in must eventually come out. That means that your elephant will produce some 300 or more pounds of POOP PER DAY, as well as gallons of urine.
So sure, I am supremely happy to learn that you bought an elephant, and that you are having a blazing good time on safari with Bebe.
But if you think you are bringing an elephant home to my Witsend, I will quite simply have you committed to an insane asylum, the booby hatch, the funny farm, the cuckoo's nest, the looney bin, wacky shacky, the fruitcake factory, nut house, the rubber room, Happy Hollow.
Yours truly,
Rattus
Well first of all dear old fellow, NELLY is not a BULL elephant but a COW...so cut those calculations by a third and THERE YOU HAVE IT! But that in your book.
I am off to slay wild beasts and the like.....
Please do consider packing your khakis and join us for a time. You will fall in love with Nelly! OH come now, don't you think that elephant droppings will be fabulous manure for the garden????
CHARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGE IT! Tea Rat
My dear old friend.
Please forgive me for offending the gender of your elephant. I am sure she is sweet, with alluring eye lashes, and coy disposition and winning charm.
But I don't care if she invented the art of writing itself, or sculpted the Pietà, or painted the Sistine Chapel.
YOU ARE NOT BRINGING AN ELEPHANT TO THIS HOUSE.
I warn you. I am armed.
Rattus
WELL THEN, there it is.....:)
WAIT! How about a PLUSH ELEPHANT....I don't have one amongst my collection of animals.....the gift shops here have wonderful renditions...can I, CAN I PLEASE???????? PLEEEEEEEEESE?
THIS IS YOUR BEST IDEA YET. ABSOLUTELY. A TOY ELEPHANT. FULL STEAM AHEAD ON THAT.
Sincerely yours,
Rattus
P.s., How does Bebe look?
Ravishing?
Welcome to Keyna TEA RAT!
When I said make sure you have a ride, oh well... nevermind...
I must warn you about the Rinos here...Be very careful... You do not want Nelly to get spooked! You will go flying off and THEN WHAT! Ok, tell Nellie to give me a lift UP and away we will go.. Just you and me Tea Rat, off on our Safari... Rattus can join us next time
Bebe
My dear Anita and Ruben
This is just what I needed! What a great way to start off our summer.
Back in Nowhere, and with a ELEPHANT yet! You two just crack me up.
Penny
WE ARE BACK!!!! In between making shelves, taking pictures of that DRESS and playing with Picmonkey, Picasa and Photoshop, we are HERE! Tea Rat needs to be tamed himself...he is so impulsive!!!
HOLD on tight, Tea Rat!!! It looks like you're in store for a fun adventure.
And that Mr. Maximus, HAD to come hear the music and very much enjoyed it! He was singing as we went and visited Bebe too over at Angels Door.
I hope you had a great weekend, Anita!
Heidi
teeeheee...Penny, Tea Rat is even MORE CHARGED up to fight off all the beasts in the kingdom because he has THE SPIRIT!!!!!! LOVE THE MUSIC!
Ooooo WOW WOW WOW ..ooooooooooWOW....O Wow...I'll be back with Miss Moussie...and the rest of the gang...WOW...wowie...:))
So much fun!! What else is there and what can't you do?
hahahahaha...Do you think my family will have me sent away for laughing extremely out loud all by myself as I read your adventures, Tea Rat? You had me at your background music. hahahahaha Oh my, who could hold on to a frown with that tune playing in the background? I LOVE IT, and YOU KNOW I'm going to play it again before I leave.
NELLY...hahahaha ...NELLY is the name of your elephant? hahahaha Oh gosh, excuse me, Tea Rat, this is priceless. You are one very creative rat.
"CHARGE BACK!!!!" Yes!!! And nothing like laughter to do so. :)
How utterly EXCITING! Wonderfully done :)
One word....moving picture!!! (ok, two words) :))) I can see it now, can't you?...hee.
This is fabulous!
Anita...your Nelly is BEAUTIFUL!!!
Love to you all...
- Irina
Hahahahahahh love the music..rat and she elephant. hahah.
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