A Masterpiece

Tea Rat: Rattus....RATTUS, OLD MAN! I need more water for my paint pot and more importantly, my tea pot. Hurry! I think I'm on to an idea here...

penny white felted animals

Tea Rat: Hmmm....I'm not quite sure from what angle I should begin...

penny white felted animals

Tea Rat: RATTUS! For the love of Earl Grey, where are you when I need you? I need my tea pot filled, as any good artist sips on a either a glass of wine or a cup of tea as the muse begins to flow!

penny white felted animals

Tea Rat: I've GOT IT! I know exactly what to paint!

penny white felted animals

Tea Rat: I guess I'll have to start without a fresh pot of tea. Here goes...

penny white

Tea Rat: Right. The overall appearance is excellent; there is a sensitive harmony of hues and the value mass balance is most fascinating. However, I am a bit concerned about the flatness of the background. There needs to be a bit more irregularity without compromising the linear perspective of the piece...

tea rat (anita rivera)

Tea Rat: Ahhhhh....Finally! The curves are most balanced with the mass of the subject and the color composition does not compromise the overall perspective of the subject. A MASTERPIECE!

tea rat (anita rivera)

BUT!

Thanks to Penny White, I am the best masterpiece of all. 

penny white

Bloody 'ell

Tea Rat:  Rattus, will you looky there? Some bloody human set up a bloody trap to trick and kill one of our kind. Bloody 'ell.

Rattus:  Don't say "bloody" or 'ell". It's vulgar.

Tea Rat:  I know, but this issue just makes me, well...bloody mad.

Rattus:  I know. It is tragic.  Monstrous. Traps have been used in every way imaginable to persecute all the good creatures who hail from that noble stock, rodentia. In the Middle Ages, a plague wiped out a third of Europe, and who did they blame?

Tea Rat:  Rats. Of course

Rattus:  I mean, who else, right?

Tea Rat:  When you're right, you're right. You are so, sooo bloody ri...

Rattus:  And ever since then, it's been war on the rodents.

 Tea Rat:  "Ooo, Ooo. There's a rat. Let's kill it. Let's watch it suffer and die a thousand deaths. Ooo, Ooo. There's another one..."

Rattus:  In more than half a millennium -- even as humans have learned to fly to the moon and communicate instantaneously around the globe, and cure polio, and plumb the ocean depths -- things have not improved one iota for us.

Tea Rat:  One bloody iota.

Rattus:  Tea Rat!

Tea Rat:  Sorry. But I just get blo...

Rattus:  Even today, it's just more updated versions of the same old story.

Tea Rat:  Same old bloody story.

Rattus:  Then the government stepped in.

Tea Rat:  Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Tee, hee, hee, hee. The bloody government. I know where this is going.

Rattus:  I mean it was bad enough when the private sector was inventing cheap consumer products to kill us. Leave it to the government to invest billions of dollars in the attempt to create the most terrifying WMD of all.

Tea Rat:  WMD?

Rattus:  Weapon of Mouse Destruction.

Tea Rat:  Bloody 'ell.

Rattus:  Exactly. And who, after all, are the humans to think themselves so above us. We know what they love the most, don't we? The fates have conspired to build a trap for them as punishment for their high crimes, right?

Tea Rat:  Fitting. Fitting indeed. And ironic. Fitting and ironic.

Rattus:  Yes. And even when they have no money, they invent new ways to satisfy their filthy habit.

Tea Rat:  Filthy. Foul, fetid, fecal even............ Ho! Wait a minute. Did you say, "Weapon of Mouse Destruction"?

Rattus:  That was like from five minutes ago.

Tea Rat:  You mean those bloody humans are trying to kill cute little mouses?

Rattus:  Mice. They are part of the rodent family.

Tea Rat:  Mouses, mice. Bloody 'ell. You mean they would try to kill Miss...Miss I can't even get myself to say it.

Rattus:  Miss Moussie. Yeah. Imagine how I feel. You how I feel about Bebe.

Tea Rat:  Bloody 'ell.

Rattus:  Stop saying that.

Tea Rat:  That's it. I'm going to bloody well show those bloody humans what we rodents are bloody well made of. And that's the bloody truth.

Rattus:  Bloody 'ell.

I Hate the Beach

Tea Rat: Oh boy! There's going to be a beach party! I better brush up on my surfer lingo. Twitchin, dude.

Rattus: Why are you twitching dear fellow? Are you ill?

Tea Rat: Twitchin! You know as in great, superb, cool, boss, wicked. Now come on, let's book for the beach.

Rattus: Beaches are public. Why do we need a reservation?

Tea Rat: No, not book as in reservation. Book as in to depart post haste. It's gonna be far out.

Rattus: Oh dear, I trust not too far.

Tea Rat: No dude, that's bogus. I mean far out, as in cool, twitchin. Now come on, and can you bring that cherry umbrella of mine?

Rattus: "Cherry?"

Tea Rat: Yeah, you know, pristine, perfect.

Rattus: It is a nice umbrella, but it's mine.

Tea Rat: Woah, dude. Don't try to boggart my stuff.

Rattus: "Boggart your stuff? What in the world are you babbling about?

Tea Rat: I'm babbling? Dude, you don't even know what boggart means. What a burn. What a chop.

Rattus: I think I'm going to lie down.

Tea Rat: Don't get groady on me. Don't shine me on. Aren't we goin' to shag it to the beach?

Rattus: Going to the beach just sounds like too much work.

Tea Rat: But I was so stoked to dig up some scratch for some scarfs and split to shore. We were going to have a primo, righteous time.

Rattus: I hate the beach.

Not So Funny Bunny.

Tea Rat: Rattus, are you going to ground all pootpoot pilots until they all get recertified?

Rattus: No. I don't think it was Bebe or TJ's fault. I think it was a faulty fripp valve that caused faulty readings on the framastat.

Tea Rat: Humm! A faulty fripped framastat. Frightening.

Rattus: Games already? At 7 in the morning? OK. Yes, it was Foul and fagitious, to be sure.

Tea Rat: Finished fact-finding? I'm food famished.

Rattus: OK stop. It's no longer Funny.

Tea: Look there's a bunny.

Rattus: Cut it out. I mean it.

Tea: Anybody want a peanut?

Rattus: Sweet Saint Rodentia.

Tea: Look there's a bunny.

Rattus: That doesn't even rhyme. OK, I'm done.

Tea: Look there's a bunny.

"Ode To A Cheese Wedge"

"Ode to A Cheese Wedge"

By Rattus Scribus© 9 Dec 2010

Performed by Tea Rat

I think that naught on earth can please,

so much as a glorious wedge of cheese.

Naught girlish skip nor boyish romp,

can scarce compare with just one chomp,

of a-ged Cheddar's sharp report,

or Cottenham Stilton, brute forte.

Baked French Brie for mild of heart.

Dutchman's Edam, slightly tart.

Italian Livarno, cow or goat.

German Limburger, load the boat.

Queso de Cabra from fabled Seville.

Alouette de Paris, I remember her still.

Queijo Canastra de Minas Gerais.

Queso Blanco Mexicano on beans and rice.

Swedish Bjursholm from the milk of three Moose:

Juna, Haelga, and Gullan, but the price, an abuse.

Oh, so many cheeses, but so little time,

to evangelize the world to cheeses sublime.

Preach, “Blessed are the Cheesemakers” at home and abroad.

For cheese was inspired directly by God.

From towering mountain to bottomless sea,

tell every creature the power of cheese.

Whilst living on earth till to heaven transferred,

nothing compareth to processing curd.

Should the whole world forsake its call, faith and pledge,

I commit unto death, oh thee my cheese wedge.

Guess Who?

We all know who Uncle Creepy really is.
Cheese and crackers, did he really think he was fooling anyone?
But my Halloween costume is oh so clever. Eh wot?
No one will ever guess who I am.
Tea anyone?

Are scrappy puppys invited?

Me gots no pumpkin.
But me broughts me appetite.
We cool?

Did You Say Pumpkin Party?

One day I found two pumpkin seeds.
I planted one and pulled the weeds.
It sprouted roots and a big, long vine.
A pumpkin grew; I called it mine.
The pumpkin was quite round and fat.
(I really am quite proud of that.)
But there is something I'll admit
That has me worried just a bit.
I ate the other seed, you see.
Now will it grow inside of me?

Drawing by R. Rivera©
Poem, unknown.

Mouse Without A Tail: Part Deux

©July 24, 2010 Art by Anita Rivera, text by Ruben Rivera (except * and **). Characters Mozes and Miss Moussie are original creations of The Dutchess.

Tea Rat: Cheese and crackers! There's a real Blakenrosentauber, a criminal no less? I just made up the disguise to get an audition for Miss Moussie's new show.

Mozes: Miss M., what do you want me to do? I'm guided by you here.

Miss M.: Well...Tea Rat's masquerade was good enough to get him past SMASH, and good acting is, after all, what we're looking for. Also, he has been our most devoted supporter. OK THEN. My dear Tea Rat, I have just the part for you in my show. Mind you, it's only a teeny, tiny part.

Tea Rat: Anything, anything. You won't forget it. I mean, beget it. I mean, you won't regret it.
*♪ ♫..They're gonna put me in the movies. They're gonna make a big star out of me..♪ ♫.*

OPENING NIGHT:

**♪ ♫..Overture, curtains, lights.
♪ ♫..This is it, you'll hit the heights.
♪ ♫..And oh what heights you'll hit.
♪ ♫..On with the show this it...♪ ♫..**

♪ ♫..Prince Mouse searched over hill and-a-dale,
for to find his Princess most beauteous fair.
♪ ♫..But the evil Duke Badger, O' foul beyond pale,
Kidnapped the fair Princess, her honor to scale.
♪ ♫..Whilst he waylaid our hero and cast him in jail,
maimed cruelly his body, a set him to wail.

♪ ♫..But his love for his lady kept him vim and in hale.
He escaped his tormentor and resu-med his grail.
♪ ♫..Yet, should love ever find them, would love-lone avail?
For he was now and forever a Mouse without a tail..♪ ♫.

((Cheese and crackers! That's the real Blakenrosentauber, right in the front row. I've got to alert SMASH, but I can't interrupt the show. Whatever do I do? I've got it, I've got it!))
Hurrumph...
♪ ♫..Ohh, Mozes of SMASH pay attention with ardor.
The felon you seek's not to port nor to starboard.
He haveth the gall in this theatre to harbor.
Front row center, the rouge Blakenrosentauber.♪ ♫.

SNAP!
"Oh, oh!"

♪ ♫..But his love for his lady kept him vim and in hale.♪ ♫..

"Oh, Tea Rat, that was a brave thing you did."

♪ ♫..Yet, should love ever find them, would love-lone avail?

"Miss M. whatever are you doing here? Is this heaven?"

♪ ♫...he was now and forever a Mouse without a tail..♪ ♫.

"This is Mozes, coming out with the fugitive Blakenrosentauber. Copy that?"
((That's great, boss. Way to SMASH 'em!))

♪ ♫...he was now and forever a Mouse without a tail..♪ ♫.

Clap, clap, clap, clap, clap, clap, clap...
"Bravo...bravo....Wonderful....Sensational...Awesome"
Clap, clap, clap, clap....
Great surprise ending! Bravo!
Clap, clap, clap, clap....
I can't stop crying! Sniff!
Clap, clap, clap, clap....

......

EPILOGUE
......

------
*From "Act Naturally," The Beatles (originally by Buck Owens).
**From "Bugs Bunny Overture."

California Here We Come.

Words by Ruben Rivera. Pictures by Anita Rivera.
------------

Rattus: I say my good rat, are we really leaving our beloved land of Nowhere for...what did you call it?...Cauliflower, in America?

Tea Rat: Really my dear fellow, you must get into the spirit of the thing. "When in Rome," and all that, you know. We want to blend in, be part of "what's happen'in," be cool, hip.


Rattus: OK, so how do YOU pronounce it?

Tea Rat: Ca-li-for-ni-a.

Rattus: Ca-li-for-NEE-a.

Tea Rat: You da bomb!

Rattus: I beg your pardon? I am what?

Tea Rat: The BOMB! You know, good, amazing, awesome, the best. Gotta know the language of the natives or you're going to stick out like a sore thumb.


Rattus: Maybe we should tell our friends we will be away in Ca-li-for-NEE-a.



Tea Rat: That's what we're doing here.

Rattus: OK. I'll go.

Tea Rat: You bad.

Rattus: What did I do wrong? I try my best to be a good, upstanding rat.

Tea Rat: No, not bad. BAD! You know, good, amazing, awesome, the best.

Rattus: I thought that's what "da Bomb" meant?

Tea Rat: Are you going to be difficult? I'm trying to save your life here. In California you must be IN or you will be chewed up and spit OUT. We have to talk like them, look like them, dress like them, eat like them.

Rattus: Eat like them? What do they eat out in CaliforNEEa?

Tea Rat: Well, I hear the well-to-do eat so-called "health food" like mashed yeast and alfalfa sprouts, and fruit smoothies fortified with vitamins.

Rattus: Sounds like I need to pack my own food.

Tea Rat: You'll do no such thing. You're going to do what?

Rattus: I know. I know. I'm going to blend in. Be "da bomb" and be "bad."

Tea Rat: Now you chill'in.

Rattus: I'm what?

Tea Rat: Chill'in. You know, good, amazing, awesome, the best.

Rattus: This CaliforNEEa sounds like a strange place. But at least the language will be easy to acquire. Every word means the same thing.

-------------

So long to our dear friends from Nowhere and Wits End. We'll be back soon.

Tea Rat & Rattus Scribus.

Brother Act

Story by Ruben (of rattusscribus.blogspot.com).
Art by Anita (of castlescrownscottages.blogspot.com)

GOING DOWN...


Rattus: Tea, my dear, dear friend, I have something I must confess to you. I...

Tea: Not now old thing: survival, first order of the day, you know.

Rattus: Abandon ship! Every rat for himself!

Tea: ABANDON TO WHERE?! Grab everything and pitch it overboard. It will lighten our landing.

Rattus: You're right, you're right. (There go all our suitcases -- my favorite pajamas were in there.) Sorry, son, I lost my head. (And the picnic blankets. Gone.) I would never abandon my friends. (Sigh! All our books!) Surely you know that. (Ahhh! All our food!) Above all one's best frien... (Wait a minute! Not the flasks of wine and ale. Over my dead body!)

Tea: That will be true enough in about forty seconds; the ale or our lives? Are we really discussing this? May I?

Rattus: Oh, go ahead. We're dead rats anyway! (Farewell, thou sweet ambrosia.) Well the last thing is your knapsack of teas, including PG Tips. Overboard it goes...

Tea: NEVER! NOT WHILE THERE'S BREATH IN THIS RAT'S BODY! FREEZE! DON'T YOU DARE!

Rattus: Oh...I suppose we should not deny ourselves one last comfort...before the (choke) end.

(Twenty seconds)

Tea: I'll never forget you for this, Rattus. I mean saving the tea and all.

Rattus: I fear we will shortly be forgetting all.

(Fifteen seconds)

Tea: We've drifted so far. Where do you suppose we are?

Rattus: We've traveled well beyond Nowhere, that's for sure. We could have gone to way Over There, or, Heaven forbid, Out There. What do you think?

Tea: "Hail Mary, full of grace..."


Rattus: No, by thunder! I think ... Heaven help us ... I think we're about to crash completely outside of our beloved land of Nowhere and into Left Field. Let's just hope we're not in the Boondocks. That's the last place we want to be.

Tea: "...the Lord is with thee, blessed art thou amongst women..."

Rattus: Brace yourself, old thing! At least there are some trees. Maybe that will soften our…

"CUURRRRASSH! ... RRRIP! ... BUMPITY ... TEAR! ... BRRRAPITY ... SCRAPE! ... KERRPLUNKITY! ... SPLAT!"

..............

MEANWHILE BACK IN NOWHERE, Rattus and Tea's friends have been watching the dramatic tableau unfold from the ground below.


Mozes: Well, they're gone. They were good rats. Good mates. Funny as all He...

Gretta: No, no, no. They could still be alive. Oh, where do you think they went?

Raccoon: Careful Gretta, you know when you get excited, your spines can shoot out.

Mozes: You're right, Gretta. They're survivors, those two. Perhaps they ... That is, I mean I think they landed way out in Left Field.

Ms. Moussie: Then we simply have to go search for them.

Paisley Bunny: I'm in.

Bebe: Me and TJ will get to the plane and search from the air.

Mozes: It's settled then. Let's go get our boys back.

................

WAY OUT IN LEFT FIELD:

Rattus: Owwwww! My head!

Tea: I feel like I've been hit by a train.


Rattus: Our lovely blimp... everything is in ruins. Hah! But I see that even the cold bony hands of the Grim Reaper were insufficient to pry your tea-filled knapsack from your paws. I do believe that had you died, you would have taken it with you to the next life.

Tea: You'll be glad for my knapsack later. But for now: first order of business, you know. By the way, what were you going to confess to me?

Rattus: Confession? What confession, dear fellow? Oh, that. 'Twas mere panic-induced babble. Think no more about it! Besides, first order of business, you know. First order of business.

Tea: Hummm! I see. Well I'll accept that, for now. So where are we?

Rattus: I fear we are totally in Left Field. Where in the name of Tartarus do we begin?

Tea: With the first step, my dear fellow. With the first step.

----------------

AFTER THE RATS' ADVENTUROUS JOURNEY BACK TO NOWHERE (which is another long tail for another time) OUR BOYS ARRIVE AT THE PUB ON RABBIT HILL:


Rattus: Hello, lads! Me and my good companion here have stared down the face of death, and survived to tell you all the tale. Drinks all around! Ale for everyone!

Tea: Make mine tea. "P.G. Tips: Only fools..."

Rattus: Hrrrumph! Uh, my good rat?

Tea: Right. "P.G. Tips, sweet to the lips."

Rattus: Lads, once you've looked into the eyeless sockets of the Grim Reaper, the simplest ale is richer far than anything that came before. Cigar smoke is mountain air. And the company of good friends is the fellowship of the heavenly saints. To you, lads!

(CLINK)

ALL IN THE PUB: AND TO YOU, SIRS. HERE, HERE!

(CLINK, CLINK, CLINK, CLINK, CLINK, CLINK, CLINK, CLINK, CLINK, CLINK, CLINK, CLINK, CLINK, CLINK........)

Tea: Well spoken my dear fellow.

Rattus: Here's to you my good friend. Cheers.

Tea: And to you. Cheers.

(CLINK)